Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
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No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what