handsome & gretel
You Might Also Like
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Okay
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Ooops wrong house😂😜