My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
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How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*