Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
You Might Also Like
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
I needed a laugh this morning.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.