Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
You Might Also Like
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.