It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
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The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Admin smashed it 😂
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Social Media and Real life
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners