Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
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Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single