I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
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I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.