Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
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Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took