Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
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do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”