Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
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went fishing caught a bass
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
North and South
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?