Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
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I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans