I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
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once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.