I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
You Might Also Like
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
A completely valid reaction tbh
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
It do be feeling this way.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party