Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
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“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Lube but for my dry humor.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”