I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
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spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.