She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
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Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉