I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
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Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.