Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
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Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad