My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
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Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
I am HOWLING at this
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?