Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
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If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
john wicks are toilet candles
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!