General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
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Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”