Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin š”šÆ
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
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You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kidās bedroom
No one believes youāre just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
If I didnāt have kids, Iād be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao itās cancelled
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Many hands make light work
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
My kid told me an āold dead girlā lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz Iām never going in there again.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too