[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
You Might Also Like
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.