I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
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A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Good morning, Twitter x
still the best tweet of the year by far
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
He wanted to make sure😂
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems