Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
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Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
File under excellent bookstore names.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
😜
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.