Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
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Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.