*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
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Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror