if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
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Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Is this a threat?
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
A family that plays together cheats.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
I have a type: disappointing
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app