Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
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My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
“You’d better run, egg!”