My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
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Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]