I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
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It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.