Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
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Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off