Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
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Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.