*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
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I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?