“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
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My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.