Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
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ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
lmao
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]