i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
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WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
guys I’m going home
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.