my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
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If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Body by Oreos
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
*seductively eats two tums*
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.