i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
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[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.