My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
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Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.