“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
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I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.