I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
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CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”