Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
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After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
the clam before the storm
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.