*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
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My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]