If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
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Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.