Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
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Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”