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Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
I’m not wrong
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
can you read it!!??
maan!
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!