Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
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Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.