why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
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Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
bury ourselves
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up